Take it from somebody who’s been married THREE times (as far as I know): The institution is OVERRATED. Let’s take Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First, for example. Lovely woman—if you exclude the blackout rampages. I thought we were staying together for the sex, until I learned that almost every sexual experience was later classified as a blackout rampage. (Hey, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!)

Then there was Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the Second. Again, perfectly charming, salt-of-the-earth kind of gal… when she wasn’t huffing silver spray paint. However, on the upside, she was very creative while under the influence, and would create psychedelic yet extremely detailed paintings of the times she would have sex with hobos behind a dumpster. (Last Christmas, I purchased one for Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First.)

What is “funny”? I think we can all agree that “funny” is subjective, in that what may be “unfunny” to one person can be shit-pantsing hilarious to another. My good friend Dave claims the funniest thing in the world is a dog running down the street with a ham in its mouth. I concur this would be hilarious… if it wasn’t MY goddamn honey-glazed ham procured from the mall less than an hour ago! (Second funniest thing in the world to Dave: Me chasing a dog with a ham in its mouth down the street. BTW, neither is funny.)

Some think that trying to explain “funny” automatically makes any “funny” thing “unfunny.” Categorically, this is horseshit. Like anything else in the universe, “funny” can be explained mathematically. In this case, with the following equation: person or animal + personality flaw + accidental happenstance - life-threatening injury = HILARITY.